whaaa happened?

normally i try to use humor and sarcasm to spice up the day and help me get through bad times. everyone has their coping mechanism and while sometimes mine is to not get out of bed for a whole day (or days), i usually resort to snarkiness so that i don't inappropriately collapse into a puddle of tears.

this, however, is not the fitting topic for sass or wit. you see, six and a half years ago, my dad was diagnosed with a rare form on Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma (ironically abbreviated NHL, thus causing me to cringe every time i see the 3 letters that represent the pro sport i love so much). he underwent very aggressive treatment at UCSF as part of a clinical trial. we were lucky that he was accepted into the trial and even more fortunate that the treatment caused his cancer to go into remission. i thanked the doctors every day i had with my dad because until this trial, the prognosis was not good at all.

i don't think for a second that anyone in my family took time with each other for granted after that, but we did settle back into a routine and for six great years, were able to spend time not focusing on the beast that had lurked inside my beautiful father, looking for a chance to rear its ugliness again. after all, there is no known "cure" for the type of lymphoma he has. in every single instance of remission, it's only been a matter of time before it has resurfaced.

well, it decided to show up again last month. likely earlier than that, but last month is when we found out that the lymphoma was back. there were signs and we remained optimistic, but when the official word came from his doctors, i was almost 6,000 miles away on the first full day of my vacation in Paris. the timing for this sort of news is never good, but this just sucked. it was hard to really have fun exploring a city with so much history knowing that my parents were dealing with scheduling doctors appointments and raw emotions at home, knowing i couldn't do anything to help them.

now that i'm home it's a bit easier for me to process information and everything that comes with this relapse. we are again fortunate because this appears to be a slow-growing form of the lymphoma and he can receive treatment locally and on an outpatient basis, rather than being at 11 Long in San Francisco. halfway through his initial treatment, i try to maintain a positive outlook and hope that he won't have to go through anything close to the devastating treatment that he received six years ago. it's hard to know what my folks are really feeling because we are all trying to stay strong for the benefit of each other, but i know there's a breaking point. i haven't quite reached mine yet but i'm waiting for it. in the meantime, the mantra of positive thoughts, positive thinking will be going through my head on a constant basis.